My Job Sucketh
by The Silent Avenger
Summary: As Thor flies off into the distance to defend Asgard, Heimdall, protector of the Bifrost Bridge, flashes back to the beginning; how did it all get to be this way?


**Well, it looks like I'm one of the first posters for Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heroes! This is just some random stuff that popped into my head that I decided to put on paper, it is co-written by another fic author who wishes to remain anonymous. Anyway, enjoy my first Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heroes fic, and my second ever fic.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel comics, How I Met Your Mother, nor Phineas and Ferb (aren't you excited for the story after a disclaimer like that?**

Ol' Heimdall was not a happy camper. He was still guarding the famed rainbow bridge to Asgard, just like he had been for the past…oh, ten thousand years now. Now food, no drink, _no bathroom breaks _(well, actually there were, but we'll get to that later.) Frankly, it was starting to get on his nerves.

"Worry not Heimdall," Thor said from beside him. "I shall fell a frost giant in your name." Heimdall snapped back to reality as he saw Thor fly off to defend Asgard from the Frost Giants. How did he get this job again? Ah yes! Now he remembered.

_Flashback_

"Well, Heimdall," Thor started pompously, "Father Odin _did _say that **you **were to guard the Bifrost Bridge."

"Indeed he did, but _you_ arethe sonof Odin, and I say _you _should guard it," Heimdall replied, as the two continued to carry there conversation with their infamous Asgardian accents.

"Well you are one of Asgards finest warriors," Thor said.

"You wield Mjnohr!" Heimdall said as the argument began to heat up.

"You have facial hair!"

"And you are deathly afraid of cardboard monkeys!"

"Oh! Loki promised he wouldn't tell!" Thor shouted looking like he might cry.

"Yes, well maybe you shall think twice before trusting thy brother again," Heimdall said. (Thor didn't)

"Heimdall, this argument be getting us nowhere," said Thor in frustration, "I suggest a contest to decide who shall guard the bridge"

"What dost you have in mind?"

"I suggest we play a round of 'godshambo'" Thor said, taking up his right hand in a fist.

"Very well, then! Have at thee!" Heimdall agreed raising his fist in the air dramatically.

The gods positioned themselves in a pose similar to what mortals take when playing the game, "rock, paper, scissors". This and the game of "godshambo" are quite similar in oh...just about every way. The two slammed there fists into the open palm of the other hand twice, and on the third throw, pulled out their weapon of choice.

"Ha! I win!" shouted Heimdol triumphantly looking at the two fingers he had laid out on his hand compared to the straight hand Thor had in his.

"What do you mean, 'you win'?" Thor snorted, "My flame thrower just burnt thine wooden staff to a crisp!" (Okay, so maybe it isn't that similar)

"This isn't a wooden staff," Heimdol replied hotly, "it's a sword, and since when is a flame thrower included in godshambo?" (Okay, there are some major differences between the two games)

"Why the flame thrower hath been around even since the game of godshambo was in existence!" Thor stated, equally as angry, "And I don't remember a sword being one of the three hand signs"

"You hath started to ticketh me off, Thor" Heimdol said through his clenched teeth.

"I shall ask father Odin about the hand signs!" Thor proclaimed boldly. "Then we shall see who is right!"

A minute later Thor arrived at the throne room of his father, Odin, King of Asgard.

"Father Odin!" Thor called

"Yes, Thor, what be thy need?" replied Odin sitting on his throne in his almighty "can't touch this" position.

"I beseech thee to answer me this question" Thor started, in his Asguard lingo, "What be the hand signs presented in the game of godshambo?"

Odin sat up and cleared his voice, "Listen carefully, Thor, for one day, you shall be on the throne of Asgard and then you will have to pass this knowledge down to thy sons who will then pass it down to future generations." Thor nodded and leaned in eagerly.

"The hand signs presented in godshambo are," Odin said, holding up his fist, to show the hand signs, "A pair of katanas, Mjnohr, and the Declaration of Independence"

"Ah!" Thor exclaimed, seeing the light, "I thank thee father Odin!"

"Father Odin hath lost his marbles" Thor said bluntly to Heimdall back at the Bifrost Bridge.

"Ah," Heimdall said shaking his head "I feared as much when Odin asked me about my new cologne."

"And what did you say?" Thor asked, leaning in suddenly interested. Heimdall stared at Thor with a look that one stares at a dead animal on the side of the road with.

"Thor, I do not wear cologne," Heimdall stated as if an infant should know that fact. Thor just stared before taking a healthy step backwards. Heimdall sighed, "Let us just commence with the coin toss," he said with aggravation creeping into his voice.

"Verily," Thor said taking a golden coin out of his pocket. "Callith it in the air, Head I prevail, tails you lose."

"Of course," Heimdall said nodding.

"Oh, and the one who losses has to cut their beard," Thor added quickly before flipping the coin.

"Wait, what?" Heimdall said before seeing the coin being flipped and calling heads. Thor caught the coin on its way back down and hid it under his hand before grinning like a maniac. "Tails, you lose."

"AH! Odins doughnuts!" Heimdall swore "All eternity?" He asked in casual frustration.

"All eternity," Thor nodded in pity. "Midgard here I come!" he shouted as he started to fly away, but not before he quickly flew back down and ripped out Heimdall's beard leaving the new guardian of the Bifrost Bridge to shout is pain

"YOU SAID CUT!"

Four Thousand Years Later

"OMO, OMO (Oh my Odin), Midgard was awesome!" Thor yelled flying back across the Bifrost Bridge with party hat on and a yellow polka dotted bow tie. "Hey Heimdall," he greeted merrily. Heimdall just stared and looked down and suddenly spied a creature walking by Heimdall's leg.

"Is that a goat?" he asked. Thor just blinked.

"Yes, I believe it is." He shrugged before walking back into Asgard.

Two Thousand Years Later

"Hhhhhheeeeeeeyyyyyyy Heimdall!" an annoying an unfortunately familiar voice said in front of the guardian. "Hey Heimdall!" the figure said again popping up behind him. "Oh HHHEEEIIIMMMDDDAAALLLLLL!" the figure said starting to sing in an extremely high pitched voice.

"What Loki!" Heimdall asked furiously.

"Whatcha doin?" Heimdal just sighed.

"Well if you must know, I am waiting for my request for an outhouse to be approved."

"An outhouse?" Loki asked curiously.

"Yes Loki, I have not peed for five thousand years," Heimdall sighed.

"So, you put in a request for a Bifrost Bathroom? Can't you just…you know?" Loki asked motioning to the edge of the Rainbow Bridge.

"No, Loki I cannot." Heimdall sighed. Loki looked at him curiously then at the edge of the bridge, then back at Heimdall. "Go ahead, try it." Loki shrugged and threw a rock off of the bridge. About half a minute later Batman popped up.

"Heimdall, I thought we reached an agreement. I stay out of your universe and you don't throw things at my head!" Batman yelled.

"Loki did it." Heimdall said pointing at the trickster.

"Oh," Batman said "Well in that case," quickly he punched Loki in the face before grabbing the collar of his shirt and saying "I'm Batman" before disappearing back below the bridge.

"I see," Loki said stumbling around trying to get his bearings. When he eventually stopped (somewhere around two hundred years later) he finally popped back to his ordinary self and proceeded to ask. "Hey Heimdall?"

"What?"

"Can I come in?" Loki asked innocently.

"No," Heimdall croaked with his 'Is ragnarok here yet?' look.

"Whhhhhhhyyyyyy nottttttt?" Loki said stressing the T and coating Heimdall in a fine layer of saliva.

"Let's see, because you've tried to kill Thor about fifteen…hundred times now?" Heimdall groaned.

"You don't understand!" Loki whined.

"I'm sure I do." Heimdall said in his brain dead I couldn't care less voice.

"You see Heimdall all through my childhood, Father Odin's love has always been inexplicably linked to Frost Giant kicking."

"Oh no," (same brain dead voice)

"You know, I think…I think this is best expressed in a song," Loki said chokingly as a guitar appeared out of nowhere.

"Please don't," (still brain dead)

"_My fathers love was always inexplicably linked to frost giant kicking! And my brother, was an expert from the staaaaarrrrttt!" _Loki began to sing as a flashback of Loki and Thor's childhood began to the frost giant kicking field back in Asgard. _"But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test! I couldn't kick my way right into his heart!" _Loki looked teary eyed back on the flashback of his childhood as a group of electric guitars and drums began to play. He suddenly turned around and motioned to a group of singers playing there instruments on an Asgardian stage. "Ladies and Gentleman! The X-Men!"

"_Oh yeah!"_ Wolverine, Cyclops and Professor X started to sing before the montage resumed. _"He tried lifting Mjnohr, catching Deadpool and Halo! He tried eating Uru and even Star Wars triviaaaaa! But even with all his determination…!"_

"_I still got no coordination!" _Loki sang getting up onto the stage.

"_He couldn't kick his way right into his heart! Oh Yeah!" _The X-Men shouted playing their guitars before taking a bow as the crowd went wild before Wolverine shouted "Goodnight Asgard!" just as the flashback ended.

"How do you like that Heimdall?" Loki asked smugly "The X-Men. In my flash back! I know people." Heimdall frowned and promptly kicked him out of Asgard. Which leads us back to our present situation. How? We don't know, it just does.

End of Flashback

In Asgard Thor knocked another Frost Giant to the ground. "I name thee Heimdall!" he shouted pointing at the giant with him hammer. "See Heimdall, I told thou that I would fell a frost giant in your name," Thor said to Heimdall about thirty minutes late with a grin. Heimdall facepalmed.

"My job suckith," he muttered.

**Well, that's all. Hope you enjoyed! Flames are allowed, but you **_**will **_**be ignored. Now see that little button that says "review"? Click it.**


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